Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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