I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
