So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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