Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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