I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
