I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
