the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
