Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
