I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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