Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize