from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm really busy with my period
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