I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Damn victory sex feels great
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
