Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
