If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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