I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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