I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
