Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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