Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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