Someone shit on the floor
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
