I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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