Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize