you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
