Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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