her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
