You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Drake has all the answers
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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