M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize