if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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