We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
