I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
