when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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