god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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