i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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