I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
