I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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