My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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