So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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