Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
