Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
