it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
