Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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