And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
