I just pynch a tree in the face
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Will exercising make me less horny?
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