You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
