I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
