Got a toothbrush?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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