She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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