my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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