I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
