Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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