i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This is my gift to your gina
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ladies don't puke and tell
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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