Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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