Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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