My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
