Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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