good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize