it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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