The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
